Monday, November 18, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Me!

The following is my answer to those infernal number/list games folks are foisting onto one another (or themselves!) and thrown into Facebook statuses. I don't have anything against them but I figured this would be the perfect excuse to post a self-serving, whorish blog entry and gain a few website hits. Enjoy!

1. My real first name is Melvis. It’s a portmanteau of “Marvis” and “Elvis.” I attribute this to my parents’ respective interests being that my dad is a fan of Elvis Presley and my mom stalked Marvis Frazier for five years. I should also add that my parents legally changed my name when I was 23.

2. My parents were so poor when I was born that I didn’t actually own feet until I was in third grade. There were times my dad had to call in sick from work so I could borrow his size tens to walk to school. As a result, I developed a deep-seated fear of Pierre LeChopp.

3. It’s no surprise to anyone that I’m a verbomaniac (it helps, being an editor). Much to the dismay of many, I enjoy talking. But my obsession with words also has an upside. In specific, if I don’t openly use “fecal” in a discussion during a meal (no whispering; that’s cheating, kids) at least four times, I lose my appetite and have to be fed with a slingshot.

4. When I was three, I lost all hearing in my right arm.

5. My parents loved messing with me when I was very young for their own amusement. For example, I had this abject fear of potatoes, so they would roll them toward my feet in the kitchen. Oh, how I would panic! Fortunately, it wasn’t long before I somehow conquered my fear of spuds (I’m a quarter Irish. BOO-YAH!). In response to this particular triumph, they started throwing them at me. Overhand.

6. These same darling parents of mine convinced me until I was 17 that the blow-up doll parked on the couch for years was my “Aunt Steve.”

7. I invented dogs. Ask my Aunt Steve. She was there.

8. G.G. Allin catered my first wedding.

9. I lost my virginity to a hollowed-out Twinkie.

10. I invented an alarm clock that transitions you into wakefulness not with a blaring klaxon or music but due to having very limited development funds, the only sound I could afford to install in the clock was the word “Howie.” Simply put, when the alarm would go off, a voice whispering “Howie” would emanate from the clock. It would get slightly louder until it reached its highest volume setting, “Blood-curdling scream.”

11. From ages seven to 16, I’ve swallowed 11 harmonicas. Four of them were actually on accident.

12. Last year, I sent my imaginary friend a friend request on Facebook. That sonovabitch still hasn’t accepted it but apparently, I can “follow” his public posts. He was always kind of an asshole.

13. When I was seven, I pulled out every single one of my teeth, hoping for a windfall from the Tooth Fairy (and I got it! A whole $5.12! Woot-woot!). My risk/reward gambit paid off and I spent every cent on beef jerky and Charleston Chews the following morning.

14. I can read 37 different languages. I can’t understand a single one of them but that doesn’t mean I can’t read them.

15. From the day I met my beautiful girlfriend, Tracy, she’s snuck into my home every single night and left a Boba Fett action figure on my nightstand. As of today, I own 1,570 Boba Fett action figures and not a Goddamn one has a jet pack. But she did autograph them all and to me, that’s love.

16. Number 17 is the truth.

17. Number 16 is a lie.

18. The worst year of my life had to be the one in which my parents gave me up for Lent. Luckily, my Kindergarten classroom had plenty of places to sleep and lots of crackers.

19. I collect name tags. I’m not picky about the occupation for which they were worn but they all must read, “Larry.” Once a month, I wear every single one of them. On one sleeve.

20. I absolutely adore “The X-Files” and never missed an episode during its original run. When asked which season is my favorite (which is often), it’s a no-brainer: Autumn.

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